Smoking Is Addictive

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Quick, to the Popemobile!

Holy shit, I almost missed it. The Grand Wizard of the Catholic faith is in Australia and I haven’t even made fun of him yet. But, like a large donator to the Church, my sin will soon be forgiven.

First up, it has to be re-said, he looks like the Emperor from Star Wars.


Seriously, he’s a black cape away from being sued by George Lucas. Some stolen photoshopped glory...


So on to the good old Christian bashing. I was listening to PM yesterday and they had a story on his Popeness and the young Christians that have flocked to Sydney from around the globe to see him. The piece was about Christian sexuality, or the lack there of. Classic quote from young Christian Brian Crawford:

“One of the toughest parts of dating in today's society is there's so much pressure to move beyond, you know, the physical boundaries. There's a lot of pressure to move, you know, straight into kissing, and even go beyond those boundaries.”

I remember being 15 and feeling the pressure to jump ‘straight into kissing’. It was mainly coming from my raging libido. I’m glad I repressed those urges until I got home, where I sinned into the midnight hours.

Another young Christian expands on the expectations of the adolescent faithful:

“...they're not going to get past the hugs and kisses and hand-holding and that sort of thing until like to the point that you're married.”

That’s pretty major right there, but I guess you have to respect the devotion. Whatever floats your boat I suppose, or, more correctly, whatever tortuously prevents your boat from being floated.

I don't hate Christians, but I do hate the uppity “let’s not have any fun” types or the smug “you’re going to hell while I enjoy the glories of heaven” types. I knew a reasonably hardcore Christian chick at college and she and her friends would stay up on Saturday and eat M&Ms and other chocolates all night. Fairly innocuous fun I suppose, but what shits me is when it’s presented as naughty behaviour, and they present themselves as the rebels of the Klemzig Christian Youth Chapter. That’s not rebellious; let me tell you what I was doing back then... actually, let me not tell you for fear of the ever-present internet police, but let me just say that it was ‘naughty’ in the same way that Ghengis Khan’s exploits in Outer Mongolia were ‘invasive’.

As the article points out, the whole point of reinforcing the Christian values of abstinence before marriage is to combat the rampant divorce rate in Australia. They may win a technical point here, because the divorce rate amongst Aussies is pretty high and climbing higher every year. I’m too lazy to Google for statistics, but I wonder if the success rate is higher for those who wait until marriage before defiling their bodies as opposed to the rest of us.

Even if it was, I’d still have to choose team whore. It’s analogous to the thrifty rich in a way. Sure, if you save all your pennies and don’t waste cash on booze and hedonistic activities in your youth you will grow up to be a wealthy individual, but you’ll also miss out on tonnes of fun because people will know you are a tight-arse and not invite you to parties. No brainer for Doctor Sin over here.

Oh, and one last dig at the Catholics. Did you know that the Vatican owns and runs its own airline dedicated to pilgrims? Vatican Airlines.

Ok, second last dig...

Q: Why do the ladies love Jesus?

A: Because he promised a second coming.


I’ll see you in hell.

posted by Sam Cox at 03:02

31 Comments:

  • Ah, savaging the Catholic Church. So easy, yet so pleasurable.

    By Anonymous Urban the second, At 16 July 2008 13:36  

  • You only seem to be opinionated on topics such as race or religion particularly if current views differ from your own...isn't there more to life? Do you not have any personal interests at all?

    I detect a hint of racism and religious intolorance.. interesting, people like to talk mostly about themselves and these issues seem to be hot topics for you... so are you talking about yourself? You seem to be going round and round and round in circles and offering no solutions and portraying yourself to possess little substance. Often we write vividly and most passionately about ourselves. It is easy to reduce societies differences to reflect extremes but often life is not as clear cut. Are you any better than those you call racists? Have you ever been able to empathise with anyone but yourself?

    Of course, opinions are valued and important for generating new ideas and solutions, however, pointless comments that denegrate others are not constructive. So what makes your opinion the right one?

    I do not deny your opinions, but wish that you broaden your horizons and are able to accept people who are different to yourself..... be the bigger person unlike what you present here.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 16 July 2008 17:51  

  • Thanks for the comments anonymous.

    What can I say? I feel passionate about matters such as race and religion but not passionate enough to protest on the street or enter politics so I write blogs about them. I’d have to say though, to be fair, race and religion is not an exhaustive list of what I write about.

    Am I racist? I’d tend to think not, but maybe racism is one of those aspects of one’s beliefs that are so fundamental that objectively analysing it is impossible, i.e. I am but can’t see it in myself. Who knows? My Paki servants have never mentioned that I’m racist. Joking!

    Have you ever been able to empathise with anyone but yourself?

    Yes, and I think my blogs back that up. Offhand I can think that I have written in defence of refugees, the homeless and exploited workers and I’ve been none of those. Do you really mean to say “Have you ever been able to empathise with people with my opinion”?

    What makes me sure my opinion is the right one?

    Alcohol usually, but to be serious that is obviously a loaded question. If you bother to form an opinion on anything then you are making a judgement that, unless you are borderline retarded, means you realise that it is just that, a judgement based on the facts you have in front of you.

    There is a massive intellectual danger in sitting on the fence. It essentially leaves you impotent and, unless you know absolutely nothing about a subject, is something to be avoided. That said, I think you must also absolutely retain the capacity to change your mind. Forming an opinion, and having a go at arguing for said opinion, is actually a great test of the validity of that point of view. Maybe you feel differently but I think I am not so stubborn or egotistical that I never change my mind on something. In fact I have on occasion found myself sitting down to write a piece with a particular slant and, after a bit of research, ended up arguing for the opposite side.

    ...wish that you broaden your horizons and are able to accept people who are different to yourself

    What level of acceptance are you asking for here? I go by the rough rule, which I often break, that as long as you are not hurting anyone then go nuts. As soon as you enter the political arena, for example, then your opinions and decisions affect others and you deserve to be critiqued. If you have a Church that believes in always sitting on bean-bags and worshipping the toaster then more power to your insane mind, but if you have a Church that directs its billions of followers to not use condoms and ignores the millions of resultant AIDS deaths then it’s game on.

    I’ll admit that I was having a cheap shot at the Christians last night, but I was pretty drunk and it seemed hilarious to me at the time.

    And that’s my final point; I try to be interesting. I have loads of boring opinions on power point design and the correct use of the semi-colon, but what’s the point in committing that to the internet? You’ve got to talk about things at least half controversial, and to do that you have to form an opinion and run with it [see above paragraph on opinions.]

    [This has been a paid presentation by the Church of the Bean-Bag and Holy Toaster]

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 17 July 2008 02:20  

  • Hark! Is there a Christian Troll in our midst? (Actually, that's an apt term for Ratzinger judging by the pictures Sam has posted.) Anyway I'll take the bait:

    Isn't it faintly Quixotic to slate Sam for holding an opinion? I mean look at his description of the purpose of this blog on the front page; barking shrilly here that Sam is opinionated is akin to posting that the Pope is,indeed, Catholic. But I would vigorously deny that he lacks personal interests; the archive on this site reveals a mind deeply engaged with issues ranging widely between social justice, the frayed fabric of democracy, and the intrinsic hilarity of midget barmen. You would have to be asinine to also fail to pick up on his passion for language, humorous observation, bare-knuckled prose and mild hedonism, and he refracts all this through the prism of global current and historical affairs. Would you please be able to post a link to a list of your personal interests, so we may also berate them anonymously? (Note: please do this.)

    "Often we write vividly and most passionately about ourselves." Maybe, but I have serious reservations you could write something approaching vivid even when fully imbued with the Holy Spirit. But applying the test of wriitng as self-reflection to your own anonymous postinmg does not hold you in great stead. I suspect your main issue is that you wish Sam to "broaden his horizons" to include the opinions that you hold.

    By Anonymous cardinal sandy, At 17 July 2008 10:11  

  • Sam, it's OK, Jesus loves you...


    ...everyone else thinks you're an arsehole.

    By Blogger Tommy G, At 17 July 2008 16:53  

  • Check the web for photos of the Pope's personal airline cabin. Humble and modest? Nup.

    Read up about the Catholic church's approach to AIDS in Africa. Just last year a Bishop in Mozambique (staunchly Catholic, 20% AIDS rate) told his flock that condoms were an invention of the devil. Saving lives? I think not.

    Closer to home - the attitudes shown toward child abuse by the clergy over the past week, by luminaries such as Cardinal Pell and Bishop Fisher. Standing up for the vulnerable and oppressed? Fuck no.

    If the Catholic church (as in, the fuckwits who run it, not the misguided flock) was worthy of defence, then we could have a debate about respecting each other's points of view. However, the Church is not worthy of defence.

    Oh, and get out of my city, you backpack-wearing godbotherers. I need to get a bus tonight and the place is bloody overcrowded as it is.

    By Blogger Tommy G, At 17 July 2008 17:02  

  • good blog samboy - i'm all for 'try before you buy' when it comes to sex and marriage. and like you say, whatever floats your boat. but in the stuff you and tom said after... gotta be honest... can't wholeheartedly agree with you boys on this one. am particularly struggling with the 'the church is not worthy of defence' and 'massive intellectual danger of sitting on the fence' bits. i am as horrified as the next chick about the truly horrendous things the church is responsible for - but they do good stuff too. lots and lots of charitable organisations were established by or are, at least partially, funded by the church. many people find comfort and solace in the church. yeah there are some absolute bastards in charge, but that is true of any big organisation... i can't believe that someone so liberal and open-minded can see things in such clear black and white. which leads me to the next bit. i don't see any 'massive intellectual danger' at being able to see both sides of the story. can you tell me with absolute certainty who the good guys and bad guys are in the israel/palestine thing? truth is, terrible atrocities have been committed by both sides, and only a balanced and objective look at that is ever going to resolve anything. the problem with getting too committed to a particular point of view is that you get emotional and lose any sense of what you're trying to achieve... and i can't see that church bashing is really going to achieve anything.

    By Blogger Chani, At 18 July 2008 00:36  

  • I know that seeing things in black and white is dangerous, Chani...but that doesn't mean that one analyses them in black and white. What most of us do is look at both sides, then decide which one is better. We judge most things on the balance of whether they are good, or bad. Hitler did some good things, but lots of bad things. I don't like him. Robert Mugabe has done some good things, but now does bad things, so I don't like him. Gandhi did lots of good things, and maybe a few bad ones. i like him.

    And the Catholic church? Well, when I said it was not worthy of defence, I was sort of referring to the fact that it has 1 billion members, a lot of money, and a lot of power, and is perfectly able to stand up for itself. It has been around for 2000 years and knows how to sucker people in.

    Whenever I find myself feeling sympathetic towards the Church (again, the organisation, not the members), I simply think of 20 million dead Aztecs and 8 million dead Incas. Those deaths were the result of an invasion directly sanctioned and supported by the Church. You could do a million good works and not make up for that in my books.

    By the way...I have been very civil to WYD participants so far...

    By Blogger Tommy G, At 18 July 2008 10:35  

  • Sam racist? lacks substance? Oh dear... I fear an annoymous believer has been blinded by faith. Such can be the problem when you put all your proverbial eggs into the easter basket. Jesus was a charming revolutionary who pissed of the Romans. And really after a great man dies those left behind memorially endow the dead with super powers. Much like Obi Wan Kenobi, only Luke can see him in visions.

    Anywho, all that has come after Jesus' death are the ideals, visions and chinese whispers of deluded followers fed mostly on a load fantastical promises. Not my bag baby. Fuckin' most hilarious and sharp blog to date coxy.

    By Anonymous corey, At 18 July 2008 12:23  

  • Anonymous non-believer here. Normally I would jump on the bandwagon and call Sam a "reverse-racist" (which is just a racist who barracks for the wrong team)... but unfortunately there was nothing even remotely racist in this post... So as far as I'm concerned religious anonymous, and his pope, and his god can all suck my proverbial 42" cock. Booyaa. Great post Sam.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 18 July 2008 14:42  

  • Chani, I don’t see things in black and white. I thought I emphasised that I make sure to look at both sides of any situation, quite the opposite. I still maintain that there is an ‘intellectual danger’ in not forming an opinion on certain subjects (unless you are completely ignorant of course).

    This doesn’t mean that you decide who is right and then put on your blinkers and hearing protectors and start blindly chanting, it means you have worked out what the situation is to the best of your ability and are ready to move towards solutions now, while maintaining the ability to reevaluate your position should new information come to light.

    And that’s the point, you can’t move from problem to solution without deciding which points to act on. The ‘danger’ I was talking about is when you can’t answer the question ‘What do you think should be done about it?’ And like I said, just answering that question allows you to see the problem in more light.

    I’m not looking at the Israel/Palestinian situation and saying the thing to do is X, that’s ludicrous. I’d look at it and say there are 23 things that the Israelis should do and 28 things Hamas and Fatah should do and 19 things the UN should do, and 1 thing the US should not do ;-)

    It’s not fair to use that as an example though, cos it’s about as complex a ‘problem’ as we may ever see, but I hope you see my point, at some point you need to either make a decision or back out completely.

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 18 July 2008 16:16  

  • As predicted a lot of the responses to my comment assumed I am a catholic. This could not be further from the truth. You have all missed the point. Indeed, I disagree with the Churches ideology regarding practices such as no condom use in a world rife with HIV. This is ludicrous.

    To Sandy Cardinal, my, my, you do seem to be very defensive about your Sam. Posting blogs on the internet sparks intelligent discussion, whether you disagree or not with people's opinions. As for my interests, you have no idea what a colourful life I have had at such a young age, so again do not make inaccurate assumptions. This clearly contradicts the purpose of the blog.

    With regards to "broadening horizons", I do not want Sam to agree with me. However, I do wish for Sam that he looks at the topics from an objective framework. Furthermore, it is easy to have an opinion regarding what should and should not be done with regards to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict for example. But who are the West to dictate doing XYZ number of things on both sides for the good of these societies? Sometimes, it does mean that you have to sit on the fence only by doing so would you be able to collect data that is objective enough to truely understand and offer opinions or solutions to conflicts within the cultural, economical, environmental context pertinent to that society and specifically to the conflict at hand. So how does this make somebody retarded? Surely, if someone is able to form opinions quickly this makes them retarded? I mean how can you form a conclusive opinion with only a handful of facts or biased facts handed down by the media?

    Of course this requires re-evaluation at all stages, life is a continual re-evaluation as we each mature and experience differing things. No one of us has the right or wrong answer. It is so easy to categorise people by ethnicity, race, religion or culture. However,if we were all more tolerant of eachother with patience and empathy many of the refugees for example would not be in the position they are in. Indeed, I do not understand the point of belittling those with differing cultural, religious or racial backgrounds or beliefs and then expressing empathy for refugees? In my view empathy is understanding that each one of us has a journey that takes different directions towards cultivating our true selves, thus venturing down paths that will later seem absurd and incomprehensible, it does not mean that they should be denegrated or their beliefs be slandered. Hence it is not acceptable to form critical opinions that insult others core beliefs. Surely, there is a more constructive and less obtrusive way of communicating differing views enabling all to transparently and freely express opinions without being offensive.

    Indeed, I will not resort to name calling as some commenters have, this is not constructive and I would hope that considering that we believe ourselves to be the most civilised of all species this is not called for.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 18 July 2008 19:38  

  • hmmmm we're kinda on the same page... but i don't think being able to see both sides makes you powerless to act, and you haven't said much to convince me that you don't put things into 'good' and 'bad'... which isn't really that far off black and white is it? but i'm way too hungover to argue. either way, fuck it, lets go get drunk... but how come i get in trouble for using israel/palestine as an extreme example and tom's allowed to use hitler? its cause i'm black, isn't it?

    By Blogger Chani, At 18 July 2008 22:47  

  • and anonymous... maybe if we all missed the point you need to get better at expressing yourself. you kinda sound like you've worked in the public service too long

    By Blogger Chani, At 18 July 2008 22:50  

  • You're black Chani? Shit, looks like more work is needed on the WUV (White User Verification) system.

    PS: I'm hungover too. Lets just all agree that I'm handsome and right.

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 18 July 2008 23:01  

  • "Sam is handsome and right."

    Fuck, yeah, that feels much better. See you all at the pub.

    By Blogger Tommy G, At 18 July 2008 23:34  

  • Personal attacks are so easy to make, this blog is a waste of time, I might as well find a more intelligent forum. When I booze it up maybe we will be on the same wavelenghth (however, I would rather donate my money to more meaningful causes that address issues). I am far from being in the public service, again be very careful about making inaccurate assumptions.

    By the way I am the one who is black. This discussion would take a lot longer than one comment or two on a blog.

    I can see that I am wasting my time, I wonder what you would really feel like and what view of the West you would have if you truely were a refugee.

    Now coming down to your level, bury your minds in the booze I am sure you will feel so much better about yourselves then.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 19 July 2008 09:23  

  • Hmmm...Black, non-Catholic, wowser, not in the public service and have already achieved much in a young, colourful life? I know who you are, but shouldn't you get back to the focusing on running for president, Barack?

    By Anonymous objective framework, At 19 July 2008 11:37  

  • Anon, aka Obama, if you honestly think that I am a racist who is unable to emphasise with others less fortunate then I'm not sure we have anything more to talk about. (see this post for clarification)

    Childish name calling (which I have refrained from until now) doesn't really accomplish anything, but it is therapeutic, so here goes. You're a humourless prat. Lighten up and people might start inviting you to parties.

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 19 July 2008 18:55  

  • Sam, I did not push the racist issue in my last comment. You seem to be the one who is dwelling on this. Without a doubt you have convinced me that you are unsure of yourself.

    It is evident from your blog there are subtle undertones of racial intolerance and a lack of authentic empathy for those less fortunate than yourself.

    I think before mocking and critising others, reflective introspection is required on your part. From this position an understanding of yourself will permit the formation of persuasive and informed opinions. This will discard the need to resort to childish attacks and worrying about whether people perceive you as intelligent.

    Relax life is good to those who are genuinely kind to others. I can "emphasise" with you and hope that you take something useful away from our chat!

    I know I have, the very best of luck, Sam - Obama

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 19 July 2008 20:30  

  • As a midget barman and member of the IRA, I have also felt the cold sting of Sam's acid tongue.

    By Anonymous Spirit dwarf, At 20 July 2008 00:58  

  • Crap, 'empathise'.

    Anyway, I still think you are full of shit and your last comment was dripping with smugness.

    I would try to further defend my non-racism but that would only make you surer of my personal conflicts with the clansman that lies within me.

    May peace be upon you my brother/sister. I hope your condescending preaching takes you far in life.

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 20 July 2008 07:56  

  • Let's all get off this racist thing, and admit it to ourselves - we are all racist to some degree. I like to think of myself as fairly tolerant but I fucking HATE Paraguayans and the Bhutanese.

    By Blogger Tommy G, At 20 July 2008 19:19  

  • I feel really annoyed with all of the random anonymous commenter’s who have slagged your blog off Sam. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it. You provide a different perspective on a variety of issues and you don’t pretend to be politically correct, nor should you have to be. It’s a blog and its interesting and that is all it has to be.

    By Anonymous LaLaLand Lady, At 22 July 2008 14:06  

  • yeah, tell me about.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 23 July 2008 23:04  

  • but what about the irish?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 24 July 2008 10:51  

  • Well everybody in the world loves them :)


    (except for a few loyalist thugs in NI and a certain emotional retard who has been behaving like a troll around these parts)

    By Anonymous Irish Cock Lord, At 24 July 2008 13:29  

  • I just want to say how lovely the Irish breed are; they are so cute and entertaining. They might not wash very often, or know how to count but they are a wonderful race of midgets and AR should stop slagging them off.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At 24 July 2008 15:24  

  • The troll is back!!
    Get back under your bridge troll!
    Back I say!!

    And don't crawl out from there until you have worked out all your emotional issues with those crayons!!

    Sam, looks like you might have to close this comments page down as well.

    By Anonymous Perm de Derm, At 24 July 2008 21:09  

  • TEN little-known facts about Pope Benedict XVI, who is in Australia for World Youth Day.

    1. Pope 2.0
    Benedict XVI is more connected than any of his predecessors. He is the first pontiff in history to use a mobile phone. He also has an iPod engraved with his coat of arms. There is an online fan club at www.popebenedictxvifanclub.com and he also uses a range of email addresses.

    2. Piano man
    The Pope is known to tinkle the ivories and is a big fan of classical music - particularly Mozart, Bach and Beethoven.

    3. Cat-o-lick leader
    The Pope is a cat lover, and while he never owned one in his youth, he and brother Georg fed strays and collected cat plates.

    4. Nice ones 'n' twos
    His Holiness has resumed the sporting of red Papal shoes, which have not been used since the early days of Pope John Paul II. Contrary to media speculation the shoes had been crafted by Prada, the Vatican has confirmed they were made by the Pope's personal cobbler. The Vatican said, in response: "The Pope, in summary, does not wear Prada, but Christ."

    5. He likes beer
    Being Bavarian, it's no surprise his holiness loves beer - Franziskaner Weissbeer apparently being his favourite. He's said to be fond of lemonade, too.

    6. He likes footy
    The Pope is a passionate soccer fan who supports the German side Bayern Munich: "I'd like the game of football to be a vehicle for the education of the values of honesty, solidarity and fraternity, especially among younger generations," the Pope has said.

    7. Lifelong dream
    While most five-year-old boys think about being a footballer, fire fighter, police officer or soldier, the future pontiff declared he wanted to be a cardinal after he was among a group of children who welcomed the visiting Cardinal Archbishop of Munich to his hometown.

    8. What's this I See?
    The Pope's father, Joseph Ratzinger, was a Bavarian police officer. Joseph Jr was the youngest of Joseph and Maria's three children. Big brother Georg is a priest and their sister Maria, who never married, died in 1991.

    9. Dynasty
    The Pope's great uncle was the German politician Georg Ratzinger.

    10. Military man
    The Pope was drafted into the German army in 1943, and it is well-known that he was in the Hitler Youth movement as a boy. However, because of an infected finger, he never learned to shoot in the army.

    By Anonymous camborgy, At 26 July 2008 12:26  

  • Who are you anonymous? I must know. You haunt my dreams and, well, I think I am in love.

    At least give me an A/S/L.

    By Blogger Sam Cox, At 9 August 2008 06:17  

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