Cannonball Run

I’ve been in this charming *cough* little city called Abu Dhabi for almost three months now and I’m starting to get used to some of its crazy ways. But before I get assimilated and try to buy a turbo-charged Land Cruiser I just have to write about the most striking thing that a newbie encounters in this city, the traffic.

Cars

The car de jour here is huge and has tinted windows. Sounds like most of America right, but not quite. You see there might be window tinting regulations here but they are most certainly not enforced and these guys take it to the extreme. The phrase ‘blacker than the ace of spades’ comes to mind. 1400% tinting on all windows, including the windscreen. They even have reflective tinting here, where the window looks like a mirror. I have even seen a few people driving with sunshades on. The ones with the suction caps on a rod on each side and essentially thick black shadecloth stretched between them. Perfect for protecting your interior when parked in the sun, not so good when in place over the windscreen of the Landcruiser coming up behind you at 160kmh.

Traffic

The driving here is fucking crazy, but if you endure it long enough a certain logic emerges. For a reference, think of the way motorbikes and tuk-tuks drive in Thailand or Bali, then replace those small vehicles with Land Rovers and Porsche Cayenne’s and triple the average speed. Everyone here drives fast, and if you are not driving fast then get the fuck out of the way.

The safest way to drive here, or anywhere really, is to stay with the flow of traffic. Fine usually, but there have been times where I have hit the accelerator to keep up with the group then realised that I’m doing 160kmh.

There are speed cameras here, but they give you 40ks leeway and the speed limit on the highway is 120. Plus they stick out like dog’s balls so you have plenty of time to slow down (to 160). The cops are plentiful, but they don’t give a shit unless you actually crash into them. I had a friend tell me he passed a cop car the other day while going 170kmh. Let me repeat that, he passed a cop doing a hundred and fucking seventy!

Highways

The highways here are awesome, usually three or four lanes and not a pothole to be found. They are divided into the truck lane, one or two fast lanes, and the insanely fucking fast lane. You would be wise to stick to lanes two and three unless you wear a white racing suit and are called The Stig. The far left lane (drive on the right here) is reserved for impatient leadfooted maniacs in huge cars. If you want to drive really fast (160+) you use this lane, but if you want to drive really fucking fast you use this lane and put your headlights on. Someone driving in that lane with their headlights on means ‘Get the fuck out of my way because I’m about to break the speed of sound’.

The usual tactic for someone in this lane encountering a person whose redlining Landcruiser can’t go quite as fast as their 7 series BMW is to flash their lights, failing that, flash their lights and tailgate within one or two metres of said slowcoach (at 170kph mind you), failing that, beep their horn constantly, tailgate and switch on their high beams. It usually works.

The City

But that’s highway driving, the real test of one’s mettle is in tackling the city traffic. Abu Dhabi, as I’ve said before, is a nicely planned out city with a simple grid system of roads... containing about five times the sensible number of cars. It’s busy, and everyone is impatient and insane. But driving here is fine as long as you realise that everyone is insane and is liable to do anything at any possible time.

Let me give you a few examples. Most city streets are four lanes, with a fifth turning lane at the intersections. If you want to turn left (wrong side remember) you theoretically get into the turning lane, but most people think that since everyone in the turning lane is going to turn anyway, they can turn in the first straight-ahead lane, then some ballsy people think that if most people in the 1st lane are turning then they can also turn in the 2nd straight lane, then a few maniacs think it’s also fine to turn in the 3rd straight lane. That’s right, you have to expect that the dickhead to your right, three lanes from where he should be will try and turn left across two lanes of fast moving traffic. As long as you expect it and look out of it, you’re fine.

Roundabouts

Same, if not many times worse with roundabouts. Some sadist decided to create three lane roundabouts in a city with no regard for the existence of traffic lanes or speed limits. So every day I have to traverse a three lane roundabout (which I nicknamed the roundabout of death) where anyone can turn any direction at any time. It’s madness, but organised madness, because everyone else expects the same. So if you were to blindfold yourself and drive through it you would most likely not be hit because everyone would be expecting your uncontrolled zig-zag through the traffic. Unconventional, but it seems to work.

Parking

I think I have bored you enough, so I will leave you with a photo to say my last thousand words. This is the view from my apartment window in downtown Abu Dhabi. Every car here except the three I have marked are parked.




UPDATE:

It's too late people. I got my license today so I'm one of them now...