A Letter to Australia, re: Valentines Day
Dear Australia,
This is just a routine letter to inform you of a slight change to the calendar year, nothing to worry about, just a small alteration to improve the happiness of you, our citizens. From here on in, February 14th will no longer be referred to as St Valentines day, but rather as St Breakups day.
The day will still be associated with gifts and cards, except they will be sent by single people to their coupled friends, with the intention of breaking up said couples and destroying the happiness they use daily to stab at our uncoupled hearts.
As per the former day, the exchange of cards can be as simple or as creative as you like. From a standard “Hey Davo, your chicks a slut man, I heard half of Brisbane has done her” to elaborate but entirely fictional stories complete with photoshopped images and youtube links.
So as not to upset the Florists Union, flowers will still play a prominent role in the day, except they will be sent by friends under the guise of imaginary lovers. Once again creativity is the key. Some suggestions are to include on the accompanying card a brief description of the last act of lovemaking, or an ultrasound photo of the bastard result of that lovemaking.
The reason for this change is that it has become clear that the coupled/non-coupled ration has remained stable for quite a number of years now, meaning that the chances of us singles hooking up while existing couples are still together is quite slim. The yearly relationship cull will serve the dual purpose of freeing up more single people for the existing lonely hearts, while also reducing the instances of SCS or Smug Couple Syndrome seen most prevalently around café’s and river walks.
I’m sure you will all agree that this change is long overdue and is made in the interest of all Australians. If you have any questions about the change or wish to exchange tips on particularly successful approaches to breaking up your friends please refer to our website,
www.GetYourFuckingHappinesOutOfMyFace.com.au.
Thank you.
This is just a routine letter to inform you of a slight change to the calendar year, nothing to worry about, just a small alteration to improve the happiness of you, our citizens. From here on in, February 14th will no longer be referred to as St Valentines day, but rather as St Breakups day.
The day will still be associated with gifts and cards, except they will be sent by single people to their coupled friends, with the intention of breaking up said couples and destroying the happiness they use daily to stab at our uncoupled hearts.
As per the former day, the exchange of cards can be as simple or as creative as you like. From a standard “Hey Davo, your chicks a slut man, I heard half of Brisbane has done her” to elaborate but entirely fictional stories complete with photoshopped images and youtube links.
So as not to upset the Florists Union, flowers will still play a prominent role in the day, except they will be sent by friends under the guise of imaginary lovers. Once again creativity is the key. Some suggestions are to include on the accompanying card a brief description of the last act of lovemaking, or an ultrasound photo of the bastard result of that lovemaking.
The reason for this change is that it has become clear that the coupled/non-coupled ration has remained stable for quite a number of years now, meaning that the chances of us singles hooking up while existing couples are still together is quite slim. The yearly relationship cull will serve the dual purpose of freeing up more single people for the existing lonely hearts, while also reducing the instances of SCS or Smug Couple Syndrome seen most prevalently around café’s and river walks.
I’m sure you will all agree that this change is long overdue and is made in the interest of all Australians. If you have any questions about the change or wish to exchange tips on particularly successful approaches to breaking up your friends please refer to our website,
www.GetYourFuckingHappinesOutOfMyFace.com.au.
Thank you.
posted by Sam Cox at
15:45
10 Comments:
Broken Link:
www.GetYourFuckingHappinesOutOfMyFace.com.au
Couldn't get to it :(
By
Michael, At
14 February 2008 16:03
you need a puppy. quite clearly.Richo
By
Anonymous, At
14 February 2008 16:09
Sounds like sour grapes to me!
Lots of love
Ray & Elisa
xoxox
p.s. If you are feeling bored, feel free to drop by our place and watch us eat our candle light dinner?
By
Ray&Elisa, At
14 February 2008 16:16
SMUGCOUPLEs in house torture!!!
By
Anonymous, At
14 February 2008 17:16
I am with you Sam. Lets not forget the lesson of the three rings handed down to us by our forefather:
1. Engagement ring,
2. Wedding ring,
3. Suffering.
By
Nigel McShifty, At
14 February 2008 17:26
Ray,
I hope you choke while performing that spaghetti sucking scene from Disney's Lady & the Tramp.
Yours Sincerely,
Single Sam
By
Sam Cox, At
14 February 2008 21:45
I'd like to draw your attention to www.cheatneutral.com. From their site:
When you cheat on your partner you add to the heartbreak, pain and jealousy in the atmosphere.
Cheatneutral offsets your cheating by funding someone else to be faithful and NOT cheat. This neutralises the pain and unhappy emotion and leaves you with a clear conscience.
So for singles wanting some action, they could perhaps purchase some cheat credits, as a way of encouraging some guilt-free messing around by those in currently stable relationships. Who says money can't buy happiness (however temporary)?
Carbon trading seems to be slow to take off, but I imagine this take on the same concept may be more successful... well, at least as a parody. :-)
By
jason, At
15 February 2008 05:43
oi coxy - someone else feels the same as you do.
http://blogs.news.com.au/jackmarxlive/index.php/news/comments/no_more_bloody_valentines/
By
Anonymous, At
15 February 2008 15:28
I can always do with an extra good man at my place, Samuel.
By
Thrifty Threesome, At
16 February 2008 11:23
happy birhtday dit dit
By
Anonymous, At
28 February 2008 08:32
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