Unchain my heart

Ok quick post because I am in an internet café and the $6/hour price tag is really eating into my holiday beer budget. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to post about an issue that really boils my blood; motherfucking chain letters.

Here is a classic example of the chain letter.

Attention all Facebook membeRs.
Facebook is recently becoming very overpopulated,
There have been many members complaining that Facebook
is becoming very slow.Record shows that the reason is
that there are too many non-active Facebook members
And on the other side too many new Facebook members.
We will be sending this messages around to see if the
Members are active or not,If you're active please send
to other users using Copy Paste to show that you are active
Those who do not send this message within 2 weeks,
The user will be deleted without hesitation to create more space,
If Facebook is still overpopulated we kindly ask for donations but until then send this message to all your friends and make sure you send
this message to show me that your active and not deleted.

Founder of Facebook
Mark Zuckerberg

If the text above was last seen by you in a FunWall new post window along with the names of all your friends with little check boxes next to them then you are an idiot who deserves to lose internet privileges for a week.

Ok, maybe a little harsh there. I know it’s a bullshit chain letter, but how would the average punter work this out? I’ll list the ways so that the reader can refer to this if they chance upon a similar thing in the future.

1) It contains numerous grammatical and punctuation errors.
2) It reads like it has been written by a 5 year old autistic child.
3) The message actually makes no sense. [Facebook knows when you are active on Facebook because you have to fucking log in to their servers.]
4) It asks you to forward it on.
5) It mentions something happening if you don’t forward it on.

The last two points are important. ANYTHING that asks you to forward it on to all your friends is a bullshit chain letter. All the ones about little Jenny the crippled AIDS sufferer who will die if a million people don’t send the letter on, all the ones about Bill Gates giving you an X-Box 360 and a blow job if you send the letter on, all the ones about… well, anything, that asks you to forward it on.

I know, I know, some of my dearest friends have fallen for this letter and others like it, but that’s OK, I have now educated them on the error of their ways. They, and you, get one mistake. If you forward a chain letter on after reading this you are clearly beyond help and I will be around shortly to confiscate your computer.

The only way we can stop these letters (besides checking everyone’s sent mail and drowning serial offenders) is by first immediately deleting one when we are sent it then chastising the person who sent it to you until they cry and beg for you to stop.

Now some of you might be thinking that I am overreacting here, but I’m not. This afternoon I logged on to Facebook to discover that not one but two chain letter had been posted to my FunWall. The effect of this was that a video post about sexy bikini jelly wrestling was pushed off my profile page. That right, bikini girls gone, because of a fucking chain letter.

It’s ruining Facebook people. Facebook is about amusingly title groups, softcore porn videos and cyber stalking old girlfriends, and I will not stand idly by and let it be sullied in this way.

It’s a war people, and we’re losing it.