Terminator IV

Economic crisis, recession, rising unemployment. We've been hearing these terms in the news for so long now that they have almost lost all meaning, but for somethe true scale of the situation is not revealed until it affects someone close to them, someone they care so much for and would do anything to help out. Well, you can all put yourself into that category now because I, your humble blogger have just been made redundant. 

[I'll get this embarrassing matter out of the way early. You will notice a PayPal link at the bottom of this post. Please give only what you can afford]

That's right, your's truly is the latest and most important victim in the worldwide economic crisis. Looks like I'll be leaving the sunny featureless deserts of the UAE and returning to Oz. I'll have some big decisions to make in my life. Either I can sit around all day for the next six months watching TV in nothing but my jocks, or I can buy some sort of robe. 

Ah unemployment. I haven't been unemployed since I finished Uni in 2001. Even then it was on purpose. I had just spend four and a half years at being a student and didn't want to rush into a nine-to-five just yet. In the end Centrelink kept threatening to make me attend job search training where, after having finished my Computer Systems Engineering degree, I was to learn Microsoft Office so I bit the bullet and got a job. But I still remember those halcyon days. 

I wonder if things will be different this time around. Marijuana will be more expensive I expect, and social networking will allow me to keep you all updated with how my life is progressing. 

Sam Cox said "Off to bunnings for some strong rope"

But I haven't left here just yet. My one month's notice period is up at the end of this month. At that time, in the caring tradition of the UAE, my visa will be canceled, my bank accounts frozen and I will have one month to leave the country. But it's not too bad for me. It's the expats that have outstanding car or rental loans that start making inquires into the quietest way to get into Oman at this point. 

The UAE have rather simpler bankruptcy laws than Australia has. Here you simply go to jail until you can repay your debt, the assumption being presumably that it is not too difficult to get a full time job while being incarcerated. 

So, while I won't be back for a little while, keep the home fires burning and tell K-Rudd I'm coming for my $900. 

PayPal

Wanker - I'm flush with petrodollars remember?

Thirteen, Twenty Two, Too Many

Apparently we're in a worldwide financial crisis. I didn't notice at first because I'm living in a capitalist paradise earning tax-free petro-dollars but the other day I glanced at the TV and saw so many dire's, meltdown's and breaking-point's that I had to rush to Britney's twitter to make sure she was OK. Turns out she was, but the entire world's economy is apparently fucked up. 

What caused it? Greedy cunts and over-empowered morons it looks like, but playing the blame game in a time where lynchings are frowned upon is not as fun as it used to be. The real question now is how do we get out of it? And here is where the crisis has really affected me. I have no idea. 

For years I've been blogging about the ills of the world but I've had the power of self-righteous arrogance on my side. I had answers to all the problems you could think of. Global Warming? Turn to renewables and stop wasting energy. Refugees coming to Australia? Follow international laws, treat them like human beings and don't lock them up in the Australia desert. War in Iraq? Stop invading Iraq you bloodthirsty warmongers. Simple answers to complex-to-all-but me problems. But now I've hit a snag. Financial crisis? Well, just... fucked if I know. 

I sort of know what should not have happened, but I think everyone knows that and is fairly much in agreement. Wall street and the major players in the US should not have been allowed to sell junk products by repackaging dept into deceptively attractive derivatives while the banks continued to provide fuel for these junk assets through irresponsible lending thus over-inflating the worldwide market and setting us up for a big old crash. That bit is easy, the hard part is how to fix it all. 

Bail out toxic-asset riddled banks or allow them to go bankrupt? Cut down on spending or spend unprecedented amounts? Increase tariffs to protect local jobs or drop tariffs to increase global trade? Lower interest rates or higher interest rates or just right interest rates? I don't have a fucking clue, and it shits me. All the other problems of the world I had an easy answer to. Now I've got nothing. 

So in the words of a CEO to the junior IT guy after the monthly reports spreadsheet has gone missing, "Just fix it!". It shames me to say but that's how I feel. Fix this fucking mess so we can all get back to normal. And by normal I mean implementing unprecedented reforms in order to save the world from global climate change and environmental poisoning destruction. 

Because that's the fucked thing isn't it? Good things were just starting to happen environment-wise then the economy decided to shit itself. What CEO is going to spend millions on green initiatives when the good PR they would normally receive from it will almost certainly be overshadowed by the thousands of job losses they've just made. 

We're all like a hungover college kid after a big night at the casino. 11 hours ago we were $250 up and looking forward to getting the gas reconnected, then suddenly we're not sure if getting the bus to Uni is a financially responsible move considering that the $4.30 left in our jeans represents the remaining budget for the fortnight. 

What the fuck were we doing for the last 5 years? Unemployment at record lows, huge surpluses, record wages. What do we have to show for it? 8 months of stormy weather and we're hocking the engagement ring at cashies. 

Basically, we needed a good slapping and we've just had it. But I really hope this nice Mr Obama fixes it all up for us so we don't all have to start learning Mandarin, most important leader of the antipodeans excepted of course.

Return of the King

As many of you are well aware, I have been taking experimental medication for the last three months to control my anger issues. The experiment has been a failure on many counts, with several people hospitalised and many lives ruined. The real tragedy though has been the destruction of my blogitival motivation, resulting in this being my first contact with you all in so long that if I was in a vegetative state my feeding tube would have been removed. 

But unlike Terri Schiavo, I've come back from the brink of death. And starting now, I'm promising to update much more often. 

To keep you interested, here's a sneak peak of some upcoming posts: 

• Tit shots in Underbelly 2; just right or far too infrequent?
  
• Princess Die, a pun retrospective 
• Utilising your Stimulus Package - Tips for getting laid in a financial crisis
• Twitter your way to rock hard abs

So stay tuned. 

Blackwater, murderers for hire

I was recently pleased to hear that Blackwater have finally been kicked out of Iraq. 

Ever heard of Blackwater? I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't, but they've had quite a hand in world affairs of late. Basically they are the people involved when you hear the phrase 'Private Contractor' in Iraq. "Private contractor killed in roadside bombing", oh dear, was he a plumber there to restore water to orphanages? No, he is a Mercenary, a gun for hire. The role of mercenaries or PMCs (Private Military Companies) in the Iraq war has been largely glossed over but they are there in huge numbers. A 2005 report puts the number at 20,000. That's almost as many troops as the US have in Afghanistan at the moment. 

The term Military Industrial Complex refers to the relationship between the military and the private defence companies that are contracted to provide them with weapons and support. War is good for business and all that. The war in Iraq 'cost' a trillion dollars, but where does that money actually go? It has to be spent somewhere, and it is, it's spend on equipment, research, construction etc all carried out by private companies. Some genius decided that there was a huge sector of the War Machine that was unprofitably being run in house, namely the soldiers. So they have started privatising that. Hence the PMCs. 

Why would you use PMCs instead of regular Army? Well it's basically the same reason you use contractors in any situation. They guarantee the skills and they, not you, are responsible for what they get up to. Paul Bremer, the first Director of Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance (read Governor) of Iraq was a big fan of PMCs and in the aftermath of the invasion he gave the PMCs full immunity to Iraqi laws. As immune the US military was to any sort of criticism, they were still accountable to the military judicial system. Blackwater and the other PMCs on the other hand were immune to Iraqi law and military scrutiny. So basically they were able to do whatever the hell they wanted. 

A bunch of ex-special forces guys with shitloads of cash and a cowboy attitude were running around Iraq doing God knows what with no fear of recriminations for their murderous actions. And they were murderous. Google "Blackwater deaths" to get a sense of how these boys operated. 

Well, thank God, they have finally been banned from operating in Iraq. What did it take to get people to focus attention on them? The murder of 17 civilians in an Iraqi market. 

Prosecutors said the guards unleashed a gruesome attack on unarmed Iraqis, with the dead including young children, women, people fleeing in cars and a man whose arms were raised in surrender as he was shot in the chest.

If you want to see how these boys roll check out this video. It's not Blackwater but another PMC called Aegis. Sickening disregard for human life. Their job is to guard people, which translates into kill anyone who comes too close, be they militant or mother. 

Bastards. Good riddance to Blackwater, but it's one down, hundreds to go I'm afraid. 

Sport, the final frontier

I have a dirty secret. I've tried to hide it from my friends and family for years, but living the lie has taken its toll on my soul. I have to confess.... I hate sport. Don't like it, not interested in it, would not affect my life if all forms of organised sporting competition were stopped tomorrow.

Oh the shame I've felt when the topic arrises in the company of men. Christmas day, the males of my extended family are standing around a BBQ, beers in hand, when one of my Uncles will drop a "Kerno wasn't half bad at Subie last Sat was he?" What is he talking about? Football obviosuly, but what team? Subie? Subiaco? That's in Perth right? He's from South Australia so he wounldn't go for a Perth team, so it must be... Ah fuck it. "Yeah, wasn't he?" I mutter before downing the remainded of my beer so I have an excuse to leave. 

I know what will happen if I stay. The inevitiable question. Who's your team? It was somewhat manageable when South Australia had only one team in the national competition. I obviosuly went for the Crows. No problems. Then another SA team joined up and my usual answer wasn't good enough. Now I was either a Crow's man or a Port Man, and whichever one I picked would be taken as an open invitation to a debate about the intelligence, masculinity and penis size of supporters of one team versus the other. Who cares? I think they are equally stupid, or equally awesome if you want to be positive, but I honestly have much more interest in the protocols used in creating the team's respective websites than I will ever have in the game itself. 

Having my condition (I will not cheapen this post by using the suffix 'itis') can be quite debilitating sometimes. Depending on the company, I'm basically excluded from 25-75% of all male conversation. Well, not entirely excluded. I can stand there of course, and that works suprisingly well because along with actual recounting of sporting matches comes a wealth of statistics that would put the ABS to shame. This means conversations about sport can be participated in by dropping small and uncommital questions like "Is that a record for away-games?" or "who had that title before him?" which will start hours of idiot savant like recounting of sporting records while leaving everyone under the impression that I was a participant.  

But this must end. I'm an expat in Dubai now and need to make expat friends. Sport is a natural medium for strangers to converse. In between shelling each other I bet even Hamas and Israel have a quick chat about Man U. So I'm going to get into sport. Rugby sport to be precise. Expats here all seem to be into football (soccer) and Rugby. Soccer seemed a little too much to bite off as a first effort so I've gone with Rugby, more specifically Rugby Sevens, which is some offshoot sect of Oxthodox Rugby. 

Coming up in March in Dubai is some sort of Rugby competition and I have secured tickets. My goal between now and then is to swot up on the game to the point that I can converse sufficiently well with other spectators. Who knows, I might actually get into it. Stranger things have happened. 

Play ball!

Gaza Madness II

The whole world has been looking at the situation in Gaza as either a tragedy or an inevitable consequence of repeated attacks, but I was recently enlightened with a different interpretation of events there. Basically I was shown the timing implications of these events and, to me, it all seems to make a lot more sense. 

Hamas have been firing rockets into Israel for months, since the last cease fire broke down. According to the Israeli spokesman on CNN last night the lack of reaction from Israel was a great testament to their willingness to reduce the impact of retaliation on the Gazans but then they just reached their breaking point and had to act. Maybe, maybe not. Another theory is that they timed this offensive to coincide with the departure of the outgoing American president. 

What the hell does Bush care about international conflicts right now? He's running down the clock and everyone is too busy asking him retrospective questions about his last eight years. Obama is getting in in four days and then all eyes will be on him. He will have to make a statement on the Gaza offensive and people will actually care because it's not bush. 

So my theory is that the offensive will end before the 20th. Well, it's not actually my theory, it's a friend of mine's who started calling it a week ago but he doesn't have a blog and I do so I'm stealing it for my own. The Israelis have started this massacre at a time when there is no way the US president would get involved in any sort of peace mediation and as such they have a few weeks of free reign. After the new Prez gets in and people start asking him questions about it the Israelis will stop it and claim a cease-fire has been reached. 

Why does this matter? Well, it takes away some legitimacy from Israel's claims that it had no choice to attack and kill all those people in Gaza because if fact they did have a choice and they chose to do it when the US would not get involved. 

Maybe I'm wrong, but much like I stole this theory from my friend, so to will I return its failure to him should it prove incorrect.  

Gaza Madness

Death Toll: 

Palestinians: 800

Israelis: 13

Enough said eh? 

Well, maybe not. 

I know that this situation is one of the most complex and long running conflicts around and it is usually foolish to look at any event outside of a historical context but I think this is an exception. The facts here are that there are now 800 Palestinians who are dead and many times more injured as a direct result of a decision by Israel. You simply cannot justify that. 

The phrase of the day is 'proportional use of force'. Israel says they will do whatever it takes to stop the rocket attacks by Hamas, but what does that mean? If they killed everyone in Gaza and bulldozed all the buildings down they would stop the attacks, but that would be considered disproportionate. There is clearly a point where the use of force is unjustified. Israel have clearly crossed that point. 

The most sickening aspect in my book is the use of air strikes in such a heavily populated area. The IDF PR spokespeople can talk about 'tactical strikes' all they want but everyone knows that bombs miss and terrorists don't stand out in empty carparks waiting to get bombed. So what you get is huge numbers of civilians killed. Innocent people, living in a shithole, having little hope of a better life, get blown to pieces because their neighbour in 13A is a member of Hamas. Not right in my book. It's not right when the Yanks do it in Afghanistan and Iraq and it's not right when the Israelis do it in Gaza. 

Of course what does it all matter when Israel doesn't really care what the world thinks of them. The UN Security Council can do nothing because the US has veto power and they are 100% behind Israel. So the offensive keeps on going and we get bored of it as it slips off the front pages. Gaza gets set back another 20 years as their infrastructure burns and 100,000 Gazans have a new reason to strap bombs to themselves to try and inflict at least some damage to the Military Goliath that keeps smashing them from next door. 

But Hamas are terrorists. You can speak of elected governments all you like but firing rockets blindly into an area populated by civilians is pretty much the definition of terrorism. And once you are labeled the big T it's pretty much all over in terms of Western support for your cause nowadays. The US started this in Afghanistan and Iraq and it was quickly followed by other countries around the world. America set the precedent that you can do anything you want if you are trying to protect your people from terrorism. So the Israelis have the best comeback of all to world condemnation, "What would your country do if rockets were raining down on your people?". You sure as hell know what the yanks would do, and the UK and probably Australia. But that still doesn't make it right in my book. Israel are swatting flies with a sledgehammer. 

And yes, the rocket attacks are like flies compared to the military might of Israel. They are unguided rockets so if they managed to his anything it is pure blind luck. I'm sure they do an excellent job of terrorising the population under fire, but so does shooting rockets from fighter jets and helicopter gunships only that method kills several orders of magnitude more people. Here is a quote from Israeli Defence Ministry in 2006 about the rockets:

"...but we need to remember that Qassams [the Hamas Rockets] are more a psychological than physical threat."

Basically, desperate people do desperate things. The Gazans are living in a hellhole of a refugee camp and are continually subject to Israeli blockades and military strikes. There comes a point where it becomes useless to talk about the rationality of certain actions. If you are continually near starvation, have no hope of a better life and are constantly victimised by a much more powerful enemy then you are not going to act in a rational way. There are two ways to look at it. Either Palestinians are inherently evil people who have no capacity to live in peace or they are desperate people who act or support those who act in violent ways because they see no other method of being heard. 

I have faith in all humanity so I choose the latter.